Shame and Learning

As I say every year, it's been a weird year. 

Personally, I'm trying to navigate an ever-present, deep pit of shame. I've been working with a therapist, for over a month now, to push through the discomfort and identify behavioural patterns and self-talk; it's very challenging work. Blah blah blah.

At the beginning of September, I attended an incredible, paradigm-shifting 2.5 day seminar about dog behaviour and training with a trainer named Blake Rodriguez. It really soldified a number of concepts of dog training I thought I understood (but it turns out I only knew them on a theoretical level, not the practical application). He communicates very colloquially, unlike me who is using a lot of huge words for no reason. He explains dog training by breaking it down and through making a ton of comparisons. He values accessible dog behaviour education and you can tell that he works hard to make sure he can get through to people and help them understand.

It has been over two years since we adopted Pierre and we still don't have a handle on his most challenging behaviour, the redirecting. To get unnecessarily nerdy, it's a concept called displacement aggression in neuroscience research. Essentially, when he feels VERY overwhelmed by feelings (frustration/fear/whatever), he snaps his jaws towards whomever is holding the leash. Sometimes he makes contact, sometimes he doesn't. This kind of reaction works to externalize his stress and, especially if he makes contact, it effectively calms his system down. The calming part is reinforcing and makes him think that he dealt with that situation well, so it continues to happen. In rodent research, if a rat is rudely stressed out by the researcher, their cortisol levels elevate (stress hormones). If the rat is able to lash out and bite another rat immediately, the cortisol levels drop as quickly as they spiked. It's a misguided coping mechanism. Humans do it too - oppressed people oppress other people, your boss yells at you when she's feeling overwhelmed, you snap at your significant other when you've had a bad day, that kind of stuff.

I haven't had a lot of success beyond suppressing the behaviour temporarily. No actual change has happened. He still does it. I understand why he does it and what triggers it, but that  knowledge doesn't actually help modify his behaviour. A common issue in my progress is that I get side-tracked learning about the why's and the how's. Blake said something like, "A lot of people have read the book on how to fly a plane, but that doesn't mean I would put them behind the wheel of my next flight". The practical experience is challenging. It's beyond knowing why Pierre does it, it's actually now ME who needs the behavioural modification. I have to learn how to build a relationship where Pierre whole-heartedly believes that I have things under control and eventually, he will default to getting guidance from me when he is stressed. Not only that, he has to think this with Tim, my partner, as well. We have to respond the same and treat Pierre the same. Another challenge. 

A huge lesson I learned at this seminar is that the specifics of the behavioural issues don't matter a whole lot when navigating how to change them. Generally, the behavioural issue is a symptom of a greater relationship/communication deficit. This reframing has helped me a lot. Helped me see the forest for the trees? Or I guess, in this case, the trees as a part of a greater forest? I've butchered that saying.

I have been feeling hopeful since the seminar. Without going into all the specifics right now, we've radically changed how we act with Pierre and how our routine with him works.

The shame is seeping in though. I feel embarrassed to be starting again. It feels like we're starting from scratch. I echo the palpable frustration that I felt when I spoke with friends and professionals about Pierre. I feel like I wore through a lot of people's patience while I looped around the same problems and tried desperately to understand what I was doing wrong. 

It's hard to control what information your brain absorbs and which practical lessons actually stick. I know, rationally, that it's okay that I have found this hard to navigate and that it has taken me this long to get to the same conclusion people have been advising me to get to, for years.  I really thought I was a fairly experienced dog owner when I applied to adopt this dog, but it has proven to be a much steeper learning curve than I could have imagined.

I just didn't understand. I'm still learning. And that's okay?!